I was in one of those moods tonight. One of those moods where the birds stop chirping and the sun crawls away slowly, hanging its head in despair in light of its recent rejection. One of those moods when you reflect too much on too little and end up dropping water from your eyes bit by bit, creating a puddle around yourself.
I was in that place tonight. That place you go willingly, but begrudgingly. That place you go whilst shuffling your feet and scratching at anything of substance to help you stay put. But you can’t, you don’t. You keep shuffling your way down to that place that sucks you in and spits you back out confused, hurt, and down further than you were when you were there.
I had that brain tonight. That brain when nothing makes sense and what does doesn’t stick. Not there, not then. That brain where you’re stuck, stuck, shuffling your feet and bumping into walls until someone comes and blasts truth at you through a microphone. Bullhorn. Siren.
I was overcome tonight by that moment. That moment when waves of sound crash over you as you stumble toward this unflattering light that burns your eyes and makes you squirm under the weight of it all. But paradoxically, warms your heart at the same time.
That moment when a truth has wiggled it’s way inside your heart, your mind, and your soul. That moment when the truth has sunk its roots down so deep that half of you can feel them scratching but the other half stares numbly out at this light in disbelief.
That moment when the truth is the biggest, most obvious cliche that somehow you’ve managed to forget temporarily, accidentally or on purpose.
For me? The truth, that is ever so embarrassing to admit that i forgot?
We accept the love we think we deserve.
Aye. That’s quite a heavy burden to acknowledge. Perhaps then, in light of this knowledge, we in fact dig our own holes. Perhaps we bury ourselves. Perhaps much of what takes away our “muchness” could be avoided if we just…focused ourselves elsewhere.
If we happened, instead, to focus our attention on what is good? On the truth. On consistency. On light. On love. On strength. On might.
Perhaps there is no perhaps at all, but rather a definitive indeed. Indeed that is what happens and indeed that is what needs to happen. But now? In light of this and that, let us journey up there instead of down into valleys and holes where we bump and shuffle along to insanity and despair.
Come along now. Come, come.